With Halloween less than a week away and most costume parties taking place this weekend, the pressure is on to find the right outfit that says to friends, strangers and that sexually ambiguous mummy you end up going home with that you’re clever, creative and not dressing as a cast member from The Beachcombers for the umpteenth year in a row. Here are a few surefire costumes to help you stand out among the sea of zombies, naughty nurses, witches and zombies. Is there an echo in here?
• Mike Reno of Loverboy. Sure it’s not as becoming or wig-tastic as dressing as Justin Bieber, but dressing up as the former Mike Renoski not only allows you to slide into a pair of skintight red leather pants without being judged, but you also get to wear a head band, which will sop up the sweat as your body overheats and you eat buffalo wing after delicious buffalo wing. Added bonus: If someone notices your profuse sweating, just tell them, “The kid is hot tonight,” and then start making out with them.
• A Vancouver Transit Cop. This one’s fairly easy unless of course you ride the 99 B-line and in that case you wouldn’t have the faintest clue what a transit cop looks like. Oh snap.
• Cory Schneider’s Ginger Nether Regions. If the Canucks newly anointed goalie is truly ready for the big time, he’ll have to get used to becoming the inspiration for the creepiest of all Halloween costumes now that Luongo’s Tender Groin is likely headed to the soothing hands of Toronto. Just put on a blindingly white bodysuit or bed sheet and sprinkle shredded cheddar cheese or grated carrots all over and enjoy. Unless of course, Schneider is a manscaper. In that case, you’ve got a glorious blank, alabaster canvas to work with.
• Premier Christy Clark’s Folksy Yet Huffy Tone. This one’s a little on the conceptual side, but you see where we’re going with this, don’t you?
• Mayor Gregor Robertson’s All Natural Sporran. By the way, that’s our new band name, so hands off.
• Chef and Cactus Club “Food Concept Architect” Rob Feenie. Thin goatee, piercing eyes, white chef’s jacket, maybe a few Hattori knives—easy peasy. Only drawback? Smelling like truffle oil and a delicate mélange of essence of pork belly and gooseberry compote all night.
• B.C. Lions Coach Mike Benevides’ Confusingly Shaped Body. Is he heavy? Is he slim? Is he short or tall? We can’t tell due to the baggy, ill-fitted sweatshirts he always wears on the field. Which is also why all our clothes are size XXXL and shawls, making us a mysterious present waiting to be unwrapped.
• Margaret Atwood’s Beguiling Neck Skin. If we’ve said it once, we’ve said it a thousand times: That Peggy Atwood is cute as a button, and her supple head-body connector transfixes us something fierce. Talk about an Edible Woman! But seriously folks…
• Newsprint. Is it black and white or just an elusive ghost slipping through our hands into the dustbin of technology? Deep.
• Quatchi’s illegitimate offspring. They’d be two years old by now, wearing their first full coat of body hair and beginning to resemble their other parent, which is either a member of the Russian bobsled team, that sexy seabear Miga or CTV sportscaster Brian Williams. You decide.
k&k@vancourier.com
Twitter: @KudosKvetches
