By now you’ve probably heard of a new drug called Bath Salts, which is supposedly way more powerful than cocaine and said to be responsible for turning one dude into a zombie-like cannibal. Well, K&K has learned of some new drugs, with even more bizarre side effects, that have hit the streets.
• Hot Massage Stones
Resembling smooth rocks used in hot stone massages, this designer drug gives users a sense of serenity, often leading them to wear terry cloth bathrobes for days on end. Then, just as they come down, they adopt an Australian accent and begin repeating the phrase, “A dingo ate my baby.”
• Daily Moisturizer Lotion
Users rub this cream-based narcotic over their body to achieve the ultimate high, which includes the ability to rap, stay up for weeks and understand hedge fund portfolios. On rare occasions, users will sing Toto’s “Rosanna” note for note until someone asks them to join a Toto tribute act.
• Seaweed Wrap
Ensconced in this fabric-like street drug, addicts believe they are a yellow fin tuna and need to be caught in a net to complete their life cycle. Unable to find a large enough net, users usually settle for rolling in sesame seeds until they pass out.
• Nutella
Whether smoked, snorted or ingested on toast, Nutella is highly addictive, transforming users into chubby agoraphobics with body image issues and the ability to change television channels with their mind, which isn’t such a bad thing, except the only television channels they get show endless reruns of Gilmore Girls in French, which makes the wordy dialogue seem even more verbose.
• Two-percent Milk
Despite its wholesome name, TPM is some seriously bad sh**, according to authorities. Symptoms include sexual attraction to dairy products, a deep love of mohair sweaters, and a taste for the music of Enya and human flesh.
